First Labs Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go to the cancer center in the morning to get lab work done to check my white blood cell and platelet counts.  I'm EXTREMELY anxious about it already because they will use my port.  I am not typically afraid of needles, but my first chemo was one day after the port was placed in my chest and it HURT so much when they pushed the needle into my chest.  Yes, it goes through the skin and for chemo, the needle was large and one inch long.  Major anxiety for tomorrow.

I have other concerns as well.  I had a bloody nose last night.  I haven't had a bloody nose for years.  I have also developed sores in the back of my throat, and I think down my esophagus.  I am having difficulty with eating and drinking.  To deal with the boredom of drinking water I usually have club soda at dinner and I can't drink it any longer.  The carbonation burns going down. Like, painful.  So, no more club soda.  I've also had trouble this week with heartburn and cannot tolerate mild spice of Mexican food at all.  Very sad, because I've been craving it.  They explained in my last appointment this would happen.  Chemotherapy kills cancer cells and all new cells.  Yes, hair cells, but the cells from your mouth through your intestinal system are all new cells as well.  Thus, they were insistent I get an anti-diarrhea medication because that will become an issue too.  How much fun is this?!  The fun comes tonight.  Conor picked up ice cream from a local shop for Olivia and I.  She's feeling under the weather today.  (Thank you, Conor.  Feel better, Olivia.)  Besides Frosty's I'm not a big ice cream fan, but love sherbet, so I cannot wait for that a little later tonight to soothe my throat.

It's fine as long as chemo is doing it's job.  I forgot to mention this...when I had my chemo on August 2nd I asked the P.A. to feel the lump under my arm.  She did, and agreed it's a lump.  She said, "if it's cancer, the chemotherapy will make it smaller, and if it's not then we'll know it's something else."  I was thankful she at least acknowledged it's a lump and not "in my head."  Hopefully, with more chemo it goes away!  I think it's now much larger than the tumor removed from my breast in the first surgery.  Argh.

I have to say, I'm actually really enjoying being creative with hats and scarves.  It's HOT here in southeastern Idaho right now, so when I'm on my way home at night I rip them off on my way home from work.  I actually enjoy the freedom from wearing something to cover my baldness.  I'm still feeling a little self-conscious about my baldness. Mainly because my scalp hasn't seen sunlight in years and my head is very white.  A co-worker said I should use a little tanning cream - a good suggestion I may try!  I also love that I'm not having bad hair days and it's VERY quick getting ready in the morning!  Love, love, love that freedom!  Yes, it's freeing.  I"m not defined by my hair.  And, I'm not going to be defined by cancer.

I hear people say often, "I'm not defined by my cancer."  I have time now where I go for longer moments of time without thinking about cancer - but I have to admit I feel very preoccupied by cancer.  There are appointments, paperwork, and my thoughts.  The "what if's?"  Sure, you can say I need to stay positive, and I am, but I have those thoughts.  I wonder, should really develop a bucket list?

Don't freak out, I'm not planning my funeral.  With the exception and reminder to my husband kids that Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum must be played!  I've been saying that for years.  Right now, it's a mental list, with the exception of wanting to go to the Tour de France, and possibly starting a LiveSTRONG organization in Idaho.    The Lance Armstrong Foundation has contacted me about cancer following a question I had on their site and they have provided me with a great deal of information for where I can look for help in certain areas.  As I viewed their site for cancer patients, at www.livestrong.org, I noticed Idaho is not listed as a state with an organization for LiveSTRONG.  Those that know me well know I draw great inspiration from Lance.  Yes, I call him "Lance," as if I've actually met him and know him well!  (Darin, you can laugh!!! )  So, minor funeral planning aside.....I'm LIVING.  I'm speaking my mind a little more and am working diligently on the mindset to LIVE IN THE MOMENT .

I'm also missing Michael a lot.  He's now been at Casa Colina, a hospital in southern California since June 20th.  I can tell by his voice at night he's still battling acute headaches.  A specialist from UCLA went to the hospital to see him at the end of July, prescribed a new pain med, and said, "I'll see you in a month."  So, he's in the hospital wing for brain and spinal cord injuries, on a plastic hospital bed with a plastic pillow going through physical and occupational therapy every day.  It's hell for him.  For us.  I go through the motions of daily life and then think to myself, "I haven't seen my husband since I was diagnosed with cancer."  That sucks.  I mean, it really sucks.  [Note:  he hit two bombs in Iraq during his first tour of duty in 2006, the five year anniversary was July 31st and August 1st.  I find it ironic that I started chemotherapy almost exactly five years to the day that he hit the bombs.]  I'll talk to him soon.  We talk nightly.  The length depends on how each of us is feeling.  Sometimes it's brief.  Last night both of us felt well enough to talk for an hour.  It was great.  Miss you, honey.

Okay, off to do some reading for work.  Luckily, I have one night a week that I don't need to worry about dinner.  My Sissy is bringing dinner tonight.  She and Olivia have a deal to cook together once a week, but like I said, Olivia is feeling under the weather, so my Sis is bringing food over.  Jimmy Dean's special recipe by a family friend.  So thankful, Sissy.  Grateful. Always remember to be GRATEFUL.