July 20, 2011. 12 days to chemo kick-off. Statistics. Stress.

I made an appt. with the cancer center this morning because I found a lump in my axilla.  I thought I would see the PA, but to my surprise, the oncologist walked through the door.  I was relieved because I had been pushing to start chemo earlier than August 9th, because my second surgery was scheduled so quickly.  It was kind of a good news, and upsetting news situation.

First, he said the lump may be scar tissue forming.  He was not concerned about it.  That was the good news.  Other good news - if you can call it good news....agreed to start chemo early!  I will have a port installed on Monday, August 1st and chemotherapy on Tuesday, August 2nd.  I will be given Adriamycin and Cytoxan every three weeks for a total of four sessions (12 weeks) and then weekly Taxol chemo for 12 weeks.  Six months.  And then radiation.  Olivia is going with me for my first session, and possibly a few other friends.  I know I could easily have a room full of supporters to hold every finger, toe, and both my earlobes, but I'm sure they have a limit.  I've seen the chemo suite, it probably only allows 2-3 folks to each little cubicle.

Parts of the conversation were highly distressing.  It is Stage II.  And because the initial pathology showed poorly differentiated cells, not actual breast cancer cells, it is considered "cancer of unknown primary" source (CUP).  So, while the PET scans only showed involvement, there is likely cancer somewhere else.  He is still considering it Triple-Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) as well because they didn't find any hormone receptors in the pathology.  A little confusing to me, but I know CUP is not good.  I've seen it during my researching.

Then, I asked him about "statistics."  I know this TNBC is aggressive and I wanted to know how aggressive.  He said, without chemo, my survival chances are 45-50%.  With chemo and radiation it increases my survival to 70%.  Yes, still at 30% chance of death.  I'LL STICK WITH THE 70%, THANK YOU!  To be quite honest, what he said next took my breath away.  He said, this cancer has a high chance of recurrence (I forgot to ask for the stats on this.  I know if it comes back it will be in the first year or two).  On the positive, he said if it comes back in my breast or lymph nodes, that can be treated. Rarely, a brain tumor can be encapsulated enough that it can be taken out.  But, if it comes back in my lungs, liver, or brain it is 100% fatal.  I had read that if it comes back it is quick and likely fatal, I didn't know it was 100%.  He said in his experience they used to take the cancer from the lungs/liver but it proves to be unsuccessful, so they don't do that anymore.  It was difficult to hear these statistics.  But, I know what I'm facing.  The battle is possibly going to be harder than I anticipated.  BRING IT!  Sure, I'm tough about it now, but I may not feel as invincible once the chemo side effects start.

We also talked slightly about genetic testing for BRCA-1 & BRCA-2.  If it's BRCA-1, which would be strange, since it's CUP/TNBC, I would have to think about oopherectomy  (ovary removal) and bi-lateral mastectomy.   He said it would improve my chances of survival and lessen the chances of recurrence.  I'll make that final decision later, if needed, but I am already leaning towards both surgeries to increase my chances.

There it is. Upsetting, depressing, and something to accept and move on towards being cancer free.

 I want to get something off my chest (besides the cancer).  I wasn't entirely honest about my Relay for Life experience.  It has been bothering me because I want this blog to be a way for me to be honest, real, and perhaps show my raw emotions during the tough times.  On the day of Relay for Life, someone very close to me said she didn't think I should attend the survivor's dinner and reception.  I had been personally invited by the cancer center!

I will keep anonymity for the person, but will say, it was someone I expected to be one of my biggest cheerleaders on this journey.  I almost didn't go because I was so upset by the conversation we had when she said I wasn't yet a survivor.  By definition, as soon as someone is diagnosed with cancer they are considered a survivor.  Now, I am a cancer patient and a SURVIVOR.  It has not killed me and I don't plan on letting it take my life.  This is MY journey.  I will perform research on the nuances of my cancer to education myself and discuss the options with trusted family and friends, and the medical team, but ultimately decisions are my own.   My diet, treatments, surgery, and all things presented to me to conquer cancer. Now, more than ever, I am in charge of my destiny.  I will not allow negative statements and/or opinions in my life.  I've had enough stress in this life for 10 lifetimes.  This is a POSITIVITE comment only blog zone.

It feels good to be honest about this.  I did not let it ruin my time at Relay, but was saddened to see the person  at RLF, and be completely ignored.  I had to no reason to say anything to someone who didn't think I should be there.

That being said, I am thankful for the family and friends that are 100% supportive of me.  I've had people offer to get me Frosty's, clean my toilets, come to chemo treatments with me,and more.  I'm GRATEFUL.