In Need of Rest

The last few days have been a whirlwind.  Appointment with Dr. R receiving more information on TNBC and CUP.  The dentist appointment created enough stress that I now have a cold sore.  I've been watching every stage of the Tour de France so I'm thinking of it as a mini-Alp.  It hurts.  I'm surprised I haven't had one before now based on the stress I've been under the past month.

Yesterday I awakened at 3:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  I ended up working an 11 hour day.  I got in a "zone" and was really rallying to get some paperwork done.  There were minutes that went by that I didn't think to myself, "I have cancer."  It was so good to have a brief respite from "it."  I love what I do!

Conor is in Utah for his Army Reserves drill weekend.  He's a part of the same unit Michael was with the second time he was deployed.  And, traveled yesterday for equipment to the unit Michael was with the first time he was deployed.  He even found of a photo of his Michael at the unit.  Cool.

Olivia and I had dinner and enjoyed many laughs.  Like the kind of laughs that take you over and are uncontrollable.  Tears rolling down your face.  Bill Engvall's "dork fish" had something to do with it, huh, Olivia.  <3

Then, I watched FIVE hours of the Tour de France.  Michael and I have been watching it for 23 years, and I think I watched it at a younger age when Greg Lemond was racing for the United States.  So, I have a history with the TdF. It was an amazing stage yesterday.  And, it inspired me.

As a runner, I have tried to challenge myself in training and creating goals for myself.  I ran a half-marathon last year, and have often entertained the thought of running a full marathon. Well, I now have the vision in my mind that I'm running a cancer marathon.  The journey will not be a sprint, but a marathon.  I thoroughly enjoy watching not only the riders, but the spectators at the Tour.  During the mountain stages when the riders ride at a slower pace because of the 10% grades, spectators from all walks of life try to run next to the riders.  Last night we saw a gentleman wearing a bikini sprinting next to riders.  It scarred Olivia for life. I watched it twice.  A security guard actually tackled the rambunctious fan because he was too close to the fans. It's the first time I've seen that in a tour.  In the last week, Michael has said I need to get better and beat cancer so we can go to the Tour.  It's been a dream of ours for a long time.

I also had a friend this week reference the challenges our family has gone through have been akin to reaching the summit of Mt. Everest.  I have been thinking of that visual as well.  Climbing Mt. Everest.  Both are great visuals I can use while meditating.

Speaking of meditating.  I received a CD this week on Meditation for Optimal Health.  It is FANTASTIC.  Many of you know I am a complete geek.  Can I just listen to the opening explanations by Andrew Weil and John Caobt Zinn?  No, I had to take notes.  See, I'm a goober.  But, I LOVE it!  The mind/body/spirit connection is SO critical to health.  I think I had somewhat disconnected from mind/body health during our challenges with Michael's brain injury.  On the CD they referenced meditation also as a marathon, not a sprint!  A theme the last few days for me.

I'm going to shave my head a few days before I start chemo.  Being proactive.  I want to do it before it starts falling out.  While I'm still recovering from surgery, I don't feel great, but I don't feel "sick."  I want to shave my head before I do feel sick from chemo treatments (I'm visualizing health and breezing through chemo, but know it may get ugly), and take in every moment of the experience.  I haven't been bald since I was an infant.  My sister had a beautiful noggin when she shaved it years ago, I hope mine looks as good!  

Honestly, I'm down today.  I'm not going to be UP every day.  I'm sure it has to do with being tired.  I'm now nine days away from my first chemo treatment.  I can't put on a brave face every day.  Especially when tired.  It's okay.

Note to self:  Rest and relaxation are needed.  Be good to yourself and feel at peace before starting chemo.  Breathe in and breathe out.  Be forgiving of yourself.  Enjoy every little thing.  Be grateful.  For every thing - big and small.  Pamper yourself.