Saturday, November 26, 2011

Giving Thanks

It's a few days late, but it's never to late to discuss what we are thankful for. Even while living with cancer I am thankful for so many things. Of course, I am thankful for my fantastic family. Michael, Olivia, and Conor - you are my world. My Sissy, Mom, Dad, and Ellie, I am so thankful for you rallying with me right now. I adore each of you. To my friends, and there too many of you to mention, it has given me strength and peace to know I have so many friends sending out good vibes and prayers for me. I even see I have followers from around the world. I am thankful for that, and it's my hope I'm helping others as others have helped me.

I am also thankful for our four cats and two dogs. The dogs give me unconditional love. And two of the cats KNOW I have cancer. They will lay next to my shoulders and put their hands on my face. They seem to be comforting me. And it works. I listen to the rhythm of their purring and it often lulls me to sleep.

Speaking of sleep, it is pretty much all I've done in the past 10 days. On Thanksgiving Day, I would stay up for a few hours and be forced to lay down and sleep again. We had a wonderful family dinner together and I was asleep by 6 p.m. The next day, I slept all day to recover. Thus, I'm extremely thankful for a comfortable bed! I'm thankful for books to keep my mind sharp in between naps. I LOVE reading with a passion. I believe I would be known as a voracious bibliophile.

I'm thankful for the beautiful city I live in and the mountains surrounding Pocatello. And in those beautiful mountains are trails I will again hike once I've completed my surgeries and treatments. Trees, leaves, streaming water, butterflies, dragonflies, deer, rabbits, and fellow Pocatellans enjoying the beauty of the outdoors.

As of late, I've been thankful for honey crisp apples, chocolate, and yogurt ice cream bars. Our food on Thanksgiving was fantastic. Nourishing my body and soul.

I'm thankful I found my cancer six months ago and had the courage to insist on surgery to remove it when two physicians thought it was only a sebaceous cyst! I'm thankful for my doctors and staff at the Cancer Center. I'm thankful to be DONE with chemotherapy! It has made me extremely sick this time around. Making me even more happy I'm done!

I'm glad my oncologists are being proactive and are sending me to Salt Lake City's Huntsman Center for surgery. I have what they believe are two new cancerous lymph nodes. As of right now, I am scheduled to see the surgeon on December 8th and surgery on December 12th. I will be honest, I am scared beyond what words can say about the surgery. Scared the lymph nodes ARE cancerous and aggressive the dose-dense chemo didn't kill them. I'm also afraid to wake up without my breasts. They've been with me my entire life! They nourished my children when they were infants. Nursing Conor and Olivia was so empowering as a mother. After that, they were just a part of me. When I began running more in 2005 they became something of a hindrance than anything. I will miss them. But I am not so attached to them I will let them jeopardize my life.

In the end, I'm thankful I had breasts to feel feminine, motherly, and like a woman. At the end of this journey I will have breasts again. And a t-shirt that says, "Yes, these are fake.
My real breasts tried to kill me."

Finally, I'm thankful to be alive. Breathing in and out, in and out........

3 comments:

  1. Oh Denise, I too am so glad you trusted your intuition and insisted on surgery!!

    I LOVE that t-shirt idea; hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Kate! I can't take credit for the t-shirt idea. I wish I could remember where I heard it.

    Yes, I'm also really REALLY glad that I insisted on the surgery. I'm bummed I won't have surgery until December 12, my axilla is very tender and painful where those lumps are. I have pain from my axilla to my elbow. Bummer.

    Hugs! So thankful for YOU!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Praying for you. You are an amazing strong woman. I'm thankful I "met" you. I love the t-shirt too.

    ReplyDelete