Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!  I decided to take advantage of my lack of hair and I went shopping for tattoos to plaster on my slick bald head and saw the fake snake tattoos.  I thought they were perfect to be Bald Medusa for Halloween!  I had another funny moment when I was buying them.  I was wearing a nice hot pink suede jacket and the woman asked me if I'm a survivor and if I shaved my head for Halloween.  I was more ready for a strange comment (this time) and told her I'm currently a chemo patient!  I told her I don't plan on having this look again and told her about my Medusa idea.  She loved that idea.

I'm a bald Medusa!  Happy Halloween!

Slithering snakes!  

I sported my new look at a great Halloween party on Saturday night, to work today, and went to dinner tonight with family.  It was fun and created some great memories for me while being bald!  I made the most of it today!

I haven't always been a big fan of Halloween. When I was in kindergarten, an older student at my school (this was in Wisconsin) was kidnapped and murdered on Halloween.  The state of Wisconsin changed legislation and children weren't allowed to trick-or-treat in the dark after that for quite some time.  After that I also had dog-tag with my name and address on it.  I had tucked those memories deeply away until a few years ago and a criminal investigation show brought it all back.  I called my Mom and talked with her about Lisa's death. My Mom confirmed some of my memories and also shared with me that she and my father knew the man.  I Googled it and found the man didn't spend much time in jail.  Such a tragedy.  

Today put new and more happy memories as I walked around work and showed people my "costume." 

But, I also have had deeper thoughts about fear today as well.  Cancer is scary.  I've written about my thoughts and feelings to this point, and again, I strive to be honest with my feelings.  Just after my last chemo session I went to my accupuncturist for a session, and for some reason, I was feeling quite emotional and in turmoil.  When he asked me how I am doing - I broke down in tears.  I haven't shed many tears since my diagnosis.  I told him that I am very afraid that I'm not going to make it through this.  And maybe that's why I've been alluding to having such a hard time in my last posts and for some reason I was able to voice those feelings to him.  He said he's treated many cancer patients and they have voiced the same fears.  

I shared my feelings with my husband, my sister, and a great friend over the weekend.  They were supportive and understanding.  They didn't dismiss me and say it's all going to be "fine."  That meant a lot to me.  Some days I'm not sure it's going to be fine.

You know how something feels better after you get it off your chest (pun intended, ha ha)?  Well, I want to be completely honest about my feelings so here goes...

• Triple-Negative Breast Cancer is aggressive.  My oncologist said TBNC is the most aggressive form of breast cancer.  
• The tumor removed from my breast was not found to have breast cancer cells. This is typically also called "Cancer of Unknown Primary Source."  Or CUP for short.  So, it could be the cancer is somewhere else and wasn't found on the PET scan.
• What was found in the PET scan - three of the lymph nodes in my armpit were cancerous, showing that it is aggressive and had spread quickly.  
• I have the genetic mutation for BRCA2.  That increases the risk for other types of cancer.  Bummer.
• The risk of recurrence is up to 30% and that's just to high for my liking.  And if it does show up it typically does so in the brain, liver, or lungs.  Bigger bummer. 

So, those are my biggest fears at the moment.  I'm not thrilled about my chemo session tomorrow either, but after tomorrow I only have ONE chemo session left. That is good and happy news!  

I shared these thoughts with a 16-year breast cancer survivor today and she told me to "cancel" and "delete" those thoughts.  I like that concept and plan to use it.  Maybe, "cut, paste, and delete" those thoughts into another universe.  I'm just venting about my fears.  I pray all of the treatments I'm enduring are successful.  I just have these occasional thoughts.  I'm sure it's normal.  

____________________________

One more final note.

Last Friday at work we had a meeting with the staff from the entire health department.  That encompasses an eight county region in southeastern Idaho.  GREAT people.  Well, I've mentioned, they have been wearing pink for the last few months to support me and to raise awareness about breast cancer.  On Friday we were together for teambuilding, and at one point the Director asked everyone wearing pink to stand up.  I was in the very back of the room and was surprised when almost the entire room stood!  The Director asked, "and why are we wearing pink today?"  Someone yelled, "because we love Denise!"  At that point my tears freely fell again.  

I said thank you then, but I'm not sure everyone heard me during that moment.  So, for my co-workers that follow my ramblings...I want to send you a heartfelt THANK YOU.  I am blessed to know each of you.  I'm beyond grateful to you for your support.