Loneliness

Yes, I'm lonely.  And I didn't want to write about it.  I didn't want to really admit it "out loud."  I have this incredible support system that continually asks what kind of help I need - and yet I feel afraid to admit to crushing loneliness.

I wonder if other people dealing with cancer have similar thoughts on the topic.  I think it's intermingled with being ill from the chemotherapy treatment itself.  Being sick from chemo/cancer is different than when you are sick with a cold.  You know they will eventually subside in a matter of days, or worst-case scenario, a few weeks.  With chemo/cancer, it doesn't go away as quickly.  And mentally, especially when you're confined to bed post-chemo, there is no way to realistically turn off your brain and shut out the fact that you have cancer.  I do TRY.  Honestly.  It has been a little over two months since I received my cancer diagnosis.  Yes, I have longer periods of time where I go without thinking about cancer.  But, it sneaks its way into my consciousness again and I find myself surprised again thinking, "hmmm, I have cancer."  A fellow survivor said he doesn't think you get over that shock of being diagnosed with cancer.

Here's how the loneliness came about...

After chemo last week, I was forced to stay home on Thursday and Friday because I was nauseated and so fatigued I couldn't stay awake for more than 30 minutes at a time.  The reduction in Cytoxan did reduce my nausea, but it was still bad enough that I put a bucket by my bed.  Ugh.  The extreme fatigue was new.

I realize I'm saying I am lonely but not feeling well enough to have company.  It's a no-win situation,  guess.  I only got up to make toast and hydrate.  My only companions were our dogs and cats.  I lifted (yes, lifted) the dogs onto the bed and they nestled in beside me.  My comfort animals.

I started to get concerned about the situation on Friday night.  I've acknowledged my depression in this venue, and the Cancer Center staff are helping me with it, but I was sleeping so much that I was concerned it was becoming a more chronic issue.  I honestly think the sleep marathons were caused by "chemotherapy fatigue."  The fatigue was not as crippling on Sunday.

I watched some of the coverage of the anniversary of September 11th on television.  I had been avoiding watching coverage because the events on that day are extremely personal for me.  That day changed the world, and just as it did for many other families, it had a major impact on our family.  Michael received a call on September 12th, 2001, and was put on alert that he may be deployed by the Army. And he was, four years later.  As I've said, he is now a Wounded Warrior, after being injured by bomb blasts in 2006.

As I watched the coverage, I cried for those that lost loved ones on September 11th and for the soldiers killed and injured during the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  As I watched the World Trade Center Memorial fountains, the footprints where the World Trade Center towers once stood, I couldn't  help but compare the water flowing in the fountains to the amount of tears shed by the world on September 11th, and since.  Millions of tears.

Our church had a special service to acknowledge the anniversary of September 11th.  That alone was hard for me.  Active-duty members of the congregation were asked to wear their uniforms, including our son Conor.  My husband Michael should have been there wearing his uniform as well.  I was proud of Conor and had to laugh.  He played bass guitar with the worship team while wearing his uniform!  It was a great visual! I wish I would have gotten a picture of it.  [Speaking of pictures, my Dad and Ellen did a "fashion shoot" with Olivia this weekend and took stunning pics of her...it made her weekend!]  Physically, I couldn't even stand to sing at church I was feeling so lousy.  It's SO frustrating to me having my once healthy body being subdued by chemotherapy treatment.

Note to self and positive affirmation:  The limitations are because of the chemotherapy and will be short-term.  Chemo will rid my body of cancer and I will regain my strength when I'm in remission. 


Today, I was back at work at 8 a.m.  It was so good to be with PEOPLE!  I'm exhausted this evening.  And it was a good day.  I received so many cheerful messages that I am again, truly grateful. I received beautiful flowers, a pink t-shirt from a local fire department for Breast Cancer Awareness month, two cards from my "chemo angels," and a beautiful scarf directly from Thailand!  A friend of mine from high school has sent me ginger candy to help with nausea (they did) and the scarf.  It's incredibly beautiful!  Today made up for the loneliness I felt over the preceding days.  It was just what I needed.

This week is my "no chemo" week so I'll enjoy the rest of the week until "the smackdown" again next Tuesday!  Now...time for healing and restful sleep!