Chemo #4 and upcoming surgeries

My fourth round of chemo has been extremely hard.  It was my last round of Adriamycin and Cytoxan.  It's as if they knew - and their parting gifts were extra bouts of nausea, bone pain, thrush (again), muscle pain, and severe fatigue.  Chemotherapy is cumulative, so I should have known it was going to be worse than the last round.

Work was out of the question this morning.  I could barely get up the stairs to make myself breakfast.  Scrambled eggs..and yes, more toast.  After making breakfast I was exhausted and had to take a nap.  

Our animals are enjoying having me at home.  Our dog, Missy, raced downstairs because she now knows my modus operandi is to crawl right back into bed after breakfast.  Within minutes I was surrounded by two dogs and two cats (two abstained, or there was simply no more room left on the bed).  They must sense I'm not well, and as they tucked themselves around me, they each had to have a paw on me.  I envisioned it as a furry "laying of the hands" on my tired body.  That in itself was comforting.  

Next week I'll start receiving Taxol.  Yes, the oncologist said they have it in supply again.  I will admit, I'm anxious about it.  He explained last week it has the same side effects as A/C.  I know he said I'll receive much more dexamethasone, a steroid I have received with each A/C treatment.  It seems that he said I would receive about five times the dose I'd received with A/C.  He also said it will take 4-5 hours to infuse Taxol into my system.  If I understood correctly, it has to be done slowly because there can be reactions to it.  The major source of my anxiety comes from the fact it can cause neuropathy, meaning that I could have tingling, pain, in my hands and feet and/or lose the ability to button a shirt or hold a pen.  He did say because I'm getting dose-dense treatment for two months (every two weeks x 4 treatments) that I may not get neuropathy.  That's my hope! 

We also had a lengthy discussion about my BRCA2+ genetic test results.  The bottom line is this - he said if I was inclined to have an oopherectomy and bi-lateral mastectomy - that would be the best course of action.  My mind was overwhelmed with this prospect so I don't remember every aspect of the conversation, but I know he said something to the effect of "I need to be blunt, cancer could take your life."  My friend Sarah was with me and said, "that was hard to hear."  It is hard to hear, but I appreciate his honesty.  I know what I'm up against.

The oncologist escorted us to the chemo suite and then called the surgeon for me.  Some surgeons prefer to do the bi-lateral mastectomy before radiation and other prefer to do it afterwards.  My surgeon said she wanted me to get done with chemo and radiation and then we'll proceed with the surgeries.  I need that amount of time to come to terms with the surgeries.  The oncologist said the oophorectomy is "a chip shot," which Sarah and I found quite funny.  He meant it is a fairly "easy" surgery.  The bi-lateral mastectomy is another matter altogether.

It's easy to say "they are only breasts" and "I won't let my breasts kill me," which I've said, but mentally it is intensely difficult to know in a matter of months I will have my breasts removed.  When I started this blog, I wanted to educate people and document my journey.  I thought I would be writing about cancer, treatments, challenges, successes, and eventually, remission.  I had no idea my journey was going to delve into such an incredibly personal matter.  Yet, I will write about it.  It's a part of my journey.

On that note, I've often written that this is a marathon and not a sprint.  With these new developments, I realize that it will be more like a lifelong competition against a formidable opponent.  I'll do whatever it takes to win the race.