Surgery on Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It has been a little harder for me to write this blog. It's a very emotional time for me.

Last Thursday we drove back to Utah to the Huntsman Cancer Institute and I had some tests. I had a breast MRI. I was then instructed to call the next morning at 9 a.m. because Dr. N would have been done presenting my case to the tumor board.

Not wanting to appear overly anxious I waited until about 9:08 a.m. to call. The nurse said Dr. N wanted to speak to me himself. He told me, as I'd already been informed, the biopsies were benign. However, the breast MRI shows cancer remaining in my left breast. Nothing appears in my right breast. But, with BRCA2+ there is a 60-80% (depending on where you get information) I would eventually get breast cancer in the right breast as well. He said he had talked to the tumor board about my "elusive cancer" and they all agreed a double mastectomy was the appropriate action.

I'd hoped to have it on Monday at the Huntsman Cancer Institute but their surgery scheduled was already booked up. So, Dr. N. will perform the surgery on Tuesday at the University of Utah, which is right next door. I can be admitted to the U of Utah after the surgery or be admitted to the Huntsman. Initially, I said I was fine staying at the U of Utah, but I really would prefer to be at the Huntsman so I'm going to email the scheduler this evening to see if that can be arranged.

I have to call the scheduling folks to find out what time my surgery will be on Tuesday. Because I am extremely Type-A I would prefer to know the time now, but it is one of the things I'm learning through this experience, sometimes I have to chill out and let go and try to stop controlling everything.

I am still extremely tired despite the fact my last chemo was just a little over a month ago. I thought I would rebound from it quicker than I have - but I haven't been through this before so I don't have anything to measure it against. I have been able to talk to a few cancer survivors of late that said it can take a long time. One said a year and a half. I hope that is not the case for me. I'm so ready to start running again. I know it will be a while, but I'm itching to do it!

It's hard to put into words how I feel about the sugery. I'd hoped to have immediate reconstruction and that is not going to happen because I must get started with radiation a month after my surgery - pronto.

I wonder what it will feel like to wake up without breasts. I've had them since I was about 15. They nourished my children. I'm guessing the pain from the surgery will more troublesome than the loss of the breasts in the beginning. Over the weekend, I watched a few actual mastectomies on YouTube. Yes, I did. I won't be able to lift my arms for quite some time. I'll have a few drains for a week or two, I think. One video logger (vlog) said to make sure women have hoodies with a zipper to wear once discharged from the hospital. I only have a few. It's winter - what else will I wear. A t-shirt and tank top require you to lift your arms. Should be interesting.

I've made the dogs transition to sleeping in their beds on the floor over the past two weeks because I don't want them to jump on me after the surgery. The cats will be another matter. I'm guessing I'll have to lock myself in our bedroom. As I've mentioned, I really think two of them know I have cancer (they ALWAYS lay with me touching my left side while we snuggle). I just get chills when I think about them bumping me when I'm recovering.

I'm ready for the surgery. I think it will prove to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster and painful. I draw strength from knowing other women have gone through it and it is ultimately greatly decrease my chances of getting breast cancer again. Getting a double mastectomy does not ensure 100% it won't come back. It makes it about a 90% chance it won't come back. I prefer those odds. I'll increase the odds in my favor by getting a hysterectomy when I complete radiation. After that, I will see my team at the Cancer Center every 2-3 months for the first 2-3 years because triple-negative breast cancer has such a high rate of recurrence.

Again, it's a marathon, not a sprint. I think right now, I might be in the marathon medical tent to get some extra medical care to ensure I can finish the race.

I'll be "in the tent" at the hospital in Utah for 1-3 days and then off work for 2-3 weeks. I was told it will really take 2 months to heal and a woman who has a great blog about her experience (and chose to never have reconstruction said it took one entire year for the scarring to settle down and smooth out, wow!). It boggles my mind. And, my mind is reeling like a hamster going around and around in his wheel. It makes it slightly more stressful this is happening days before Christmas as well.

Okay, I need to head to bed. I've been trying to get my body really rested and prepared for the surgery. Again, hard to do right before Christmas.

Say a few prayers or send vibes out into the universe for a successful surgery on Tuesday. I'll blog again when I'm feeling up to it! Thanks, everyone!