Wednesday, January 11, 2012

If Tears Could be Turned into Snow...

This past week has been quite difficult and my tears flowed freely.  Unbelievably, it's January 11th and we have very little snow in southeastern Idaho.  The other day it occurred to me if my tears could be converted to snowflakes the ski resorts in the area would be in great shape.  I'm not a skier (I've tried and am typically injured in some fashion, but I LOVE to drive in the snow and marvel at its beauty).  

My double mastectomy was three weeks ago.  I still have pain, which is normal.  I have been told it takes two months to completely heal.  No one told me how long it takes to heal emotionally from the surgery.  I still struggle with how I look.  Each incision is about 6 inches long.  Ghastly.  But, I remind myself continually it was to help save my life.  It didn't help when I took another fall last week at the Huntsman in SLC at my final post-op check up.  A nurse weighed me, took my vitals, and when I stood up, I just started to tip over and caught myself on the arms of the scale before I completely hit the ground.  I was mortified.  They wanted to put me into a wheelchair but I refused.  The next day I realized I caught myself with my ribs - and they are still sore as well.  

There are two lines of thought about my four falls.  One is the pain medication and the second is my balance has been significantly shifted because of the mastectomy.  Hmmm.  Thoughts to ponder while I am more careful walking stairs and stay away from scales.  

The final appointment brought good news.  There was NO CANCER found in the pathology done on the breast tissue.  The chemotherapy did its job!  I'm very happy with this news.  VERY!  

The surgeon did have to drain fluid (called a seroma) from under my right incision.  If not drained it can cause complications so I agreed to have it done.  Before I knew it he had a large needle with one end inserted into a bottle and the other end under my incision and I looked at my dear friend Jen and told her to breathe after seeing the look on her face!  She asked quickly, "what about something to numb the area?" and the surgeon said they had cut through all of my nerve endings so there shouldn't be any pain.  There really wasn't, until we were on our trip home and it was a little sore.  However, because of the fall and draining the seroma, it was very sore the next day.  I'm amazed at how concave the area is. For a time, I thought he had done a radical mastectomy on each side because my sternum sticks out so far now, but I can flex my pectoral muscles on each side.  Now, I know why I could never really see progress while weight lifting for my pecs, too much breast tissue covering them up.  Now is a different story, but I won't be weight lifting anytime soon.  I did walk a bit the other day and it was glorious. I cried the entire time, but it was a good cry.  

Yesterday I met with a counselor at the Cancer Center and hours later went back to met with the radiation oncologist.  I made the appointment with the counselor because I am overwhelmed with my emotions.  As I said, I still am in pain, I'm having a bit of insomnia because it is hard to get comfortable, forced early menopause is wreaking havoc on my system, and I'm still fearful of the unknown.  I spoke with the radiation oncologist in the afternoon about the paperwork that indicates there is a nodule in my lung.  He is going to speak to the chemotherapy oncologist about it and we'll keep an eye on that for a change in size.  So, while I'm thrilled there was no cancer found in the pathology following my mastectomy, I'm fearful it's still lurking around.  

These are all normal feelings.  The counselor and I also talked about EXPECTATIONS I have for myself and because it's the New Year, I made goals for myself.  He said I need to lower my expectations right now.  Not in an adverse way, but I've gone through so much in the past six months it's catching up to me mentally and emotionally and I'm not going to heal and recover if I don't learn how to relax and no expect so much out of myself.  Ugh.  I understand that and know I have to in order to recover - especially because I will be starting radiation next week.  

I have another appointment this morning to have a CAT scan of my chest and upper body so they can exactly determine where the targeted radiation will go.  They will also make a form for my body to lay on so I don't move at all during radiation and cause damage to my lung or heart.  And I'll  get a couple of skin markers (he doesn't like the word tattoo) to be the pinpoint area for the radiation.  He indicated it will of course be targeted to the area of my breast where I found the original cancer, the area where the cancerous lymph nodes were found, and then near my collarbone where the subclavicular lymph nodes are found.  I will go through 30 sessions over six weeks.  I will start on next Tuesday or Wednesday.  I'm not nervous about radiation at all.  After chemo and the double mastectomy it should be a breeze. 

Below is a song by Kerrie Roberts called "Keep Breathing," and I have listened to it non-stop over the last few days.  I think it's beautiful so I wanted to share it.  



One final note, I am heading back to work after my appointment at the Cancer Center.  I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.  I'm nervous about it because I'm so tired and sore, but it's time.  There is work to be done!  I'll do the best I can and build up over time and when I'm tired I'll head home to sleep.

Here is a quote from a book I purchased called "Be Happy."  It contains quotes from numerous authors.  Today, I like this one.  "How simple it is to see all the worry in the world cannot control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is not now."  ~Gerald Jampolsky  

13 comments:

  1. I have been thinking of you so much lately and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    I agree with what they told you that you must just take things and not push yourself so hard...now I should probably take my own advice because like you I just keep pushing harder and harder instead of remembering that we must enjoy the moments.

    My mother-in-law has had radiation twice and the marks made as well...she said that other than being tired and needing about a 30 to 45 minute nap after each treatment she did very well.

    I am sure it is going to be hard to go back to work but remember that you are very, very loved and they are there to help and encourage you on as well.

    Hang in there my friend and no you are loved!!! The song is great and I LOVE , LOVE, LOVE the quote it is so very true.

    Hugs from Virginia!!!

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  2. Oh Denise, you are so real and honest and brave!

    Be kind to yourself, sweetie; you've been through so much. But you are now on the path toward healing.

    ((hugs))

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  3. I am confused. Why do you have to go back to work, or is it that you want to?

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  4. I am confused. Why to you have to go back to work now, or is it that you want to?

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  5. Awesome website you have here, its well made and has very good data.

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  6. Hi! WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait ..

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  7. Hugs! I wish you a speedy recovery.

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  8. Excellent post! I think you've encapsulated the mission of this blog and our challenge.

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  9. Denise, I haven't heard from you in a while and wanted to let you kow you are in my thughts and prayers. Your strength and courage continue to amaze me. Be strong, smile(it's the best medicine) and take it easy. Your recovery will come, don't rush it.

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  10. Thanks to all of you for your support. I am thrilled people are finding it useful.

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  11. Susan, I want to get back to work a little. Sorry I didn't answer your question sooner. Denise

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  12. Hi Wendi, I LOVE the Martina McBride song. Missing you. D

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  13. Love that song!!!Thanks for sharing!

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