If Tears Could be Turned into Snow...

This past week has been quite difficult and my tears flowed freely.  Unbelievably, it's January 11th and we have very little snow in southeastern Idaho.  The other day it occurred to me if my tears could be converted to snowflakes the ski resorts in the area would be in great shape.  I'm not a skier (I've tried and am typically injured in some fashion, but I LOVE to drive in the snow and marvel at its beauty).  

My double mastectomy was three weeks ago.  I still have pain, which is normal.  I have been told it takes two months to completely heal.  No one told me how long it takes to heal emotionally from the surgery.  I still struggle with how I look.  Each incision is about 6 inches long.  Ghastly.  But, I remind myself continually it was to help save my life.  It didn't help when I took another fall last week at the Huntsman in SLC at my final post-op check up.  A nurse weighed me, took my vitals, and when I stood up, I just started to tip over and caught myself on the arms of the scale before I completely hit the ground.  I was mortified.  They wanted to put me into a wheelchair but I refused.  The next day I realized I caught myself with my ribs - and they are still sore as well.  

There are two lines of thought about my four falls.  One is the pain medication and the second is my balance has been significantly shifted because of the mastectomy.  Hmmm.  Thoughts to ponder while I am more careful walking stairs and stay away from scales.  

The final appointment brought good news.  There was NO CANCER found in the pathology done on the breast tissue.  The chemotherapy did its job!  I'm very happy with this news.  VERY!  

The surgeon did have to drain fluid (called a seroma) from under my right incision.  If not drained it can cause complications so I agreed to have it done.  Before I knew it he had a large needle with one end inserted into a bottle and the other end under my incision and I looked at my dear friend Jen and told her to breathe after seeing the look on her face!  She asked quickly, "what about something to numb the area?" and the surgeon said they had cut through all of my nerve endings so there shouldn't be any pain.  There really wasn't, until we were on our trip home and it was a little sore.  However, because of the fall and draining the seroma, it was very sore the next day.  I'm amazed at how concave the area is. For a time, I thought he had done a radical mastectomy on each side because my sternum sticks out so far now, but I can flex my pectoral muscles on each side.  Now, I know why I could never really see progress while weight lifting for my pecs, too much breast tissue covering them up.  Now is a different story, but I won't be weight lifting anytime soon.  I did walk a bit the other day and it was glorious. I cried the entire time, but it was a good cry.  

Yesterday I met with a counselor at the Cancer Center and hours later went back to met with the radiation oncologist.  I made the appointment with the counselor because I am overwhelmed with my emotions.  As I said, I still am in pain, I'm having a bit of insomnia because it is hard to get comfortable, forced early menopause is wreaking havoc on my system, and I'm still fearful of the unknown.  I spoke with the radiation oncologist in the afternoon about the paperwork that indicates there is a nodule in my lung.  He is going to speak to the chemotherapy oncologist about it and we'll keep an eye on that for a change in size.  So, while I'm thrilled there was no cancer found in the pathology following my mastectomy, I'm fearful it's still lurking around.  

These are all normal feelings.  The counselor and I also talked about EXPECTATIONS I have for myself and because it's the New Year, I made goals for myself.  He said I need to lower my expectations right now.  Not in an adverse way, but I've gone through so much in the past six months it's catching up to me mentally and emotionally and I'm not going to heal and recover if I don't learn how to relax and no expect so much out of myself.  Ugh.  I understand that and know I have to in order to recover - especially because I will be starting radiation next week.  

I have another appointment this morning to have a CAT scan of my chest and upper body so they can exactly determine where the targeted radiation will go.  They will also make a form for my body to lay on so I don't move at all during radiation and cause damage to my lung or heart.  And I'll  get a couple of skin markers (he doesn't like the word tattoo) to be the pinpoint area for the radiation.  He indicated it will of course be targeted to the area of my breast where I found the original cancer, the area where the cancerous lymph nodes were found, and then near my collarbone where the subclavicular lymph nodes are found.  I will go through 30 sessions over six weeks.  I will start on next Tuesday or Wednesday.  I'm not nervous about radiation at all.  After chemo and the double mastectomy it should be a breeze. 

Below is a song by Kerrie Roberts called "Keep Breathing," and I have listened to it non-stop over the last few days.  I think it's beautiful so I wanted to share it.  

One final note, I am heading back to work after my appointment at the Cancer Center.  I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.  I'm nervous about it because I'm so tired and sore, but it's time.  There is work to be done!  I'll do the best I can and build up over time and when I'm tired I'll head home to sleep.

Here is a quote from a book I purchased called "Be Happy."  It contains quotes from numerous authors.  Today, I like this one.  "How simple it is to see all the worry in the world cannot control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is not now."  ~Gerald Jampolsky  

Post-op Update

It has been 11 days since my double mastectomy.  It seems like a year.  I am still in pain and groggy.  I have to sleep hours a day as my body tries to heal.

The morning of the surgery, Michael and I went to the University of Utah to check in at 9:30 a.m. My Dad and Ellen met us there as well as Michael's sister, Maureen. Maureen is stationed in Germany for the Air Force and had planned to come to Pocatello for Christmas. She happened to come into the SLC airport at a time that coincided with the surgery so I was able to see her before surgery, which meant a lot to me.

In pre-op a nurse walking by our room saw so many camera flashes he walked by twice to make sure there wasn't a VIP in the room. I said, "I'm not a VIP, it's my Dad taking pictures." I told the kids this story later and they said, to your Dad, you are a VIP.

The anesthesiologist came in to say hello and ask about previous surgeries and the surgeon came in. I introduced him to the members of my family. Dr. N is a very pleasant man. I appreciate it that he's talked to me personally on the phone after he spoke with the tumor board and that they all agreed surgery was required for my "elusive cancer." They allowed me a chance to say goodbye to my family, which went by so quickly, and then whisked me away to the surgery room.

I remember the oxygen mask over my face and Dr. O, the anesthesiologist, telling me to breathe deeply and then he told me they were going to give me medication to put me to sleep for the surgery. I remember waking up in post-op. I was in a lot of pain. I cried. I knew my breasts were gone. I cannot say my pain, or my loss, were the reason for the tears.

Once I was more stable, I was moved from the University of Utah to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. Mark A., it was my first ambulance ride! I told the crew that and asked if we could make an adjustment and I could be transported in the helicopter instead. At least my humor was still intact! Upon arrival at my room, my nurse and the EMT crew said there was no bed in the room. Then, they took me to another room, and that room didn't have the appropriate electrical outlets, so we were off to look for a room for me. I could hear Michael, my Dad, and Ellie around us as we tried to fine a spot for me.

Finally, tucked in my spot, I could relax. As much as you can in a hospital. I met the night nurses. They checked the two drain tubes in my chest, set up a PCA pump that I could hit every 10 minutes, or longer if I could wait. They asked if they could look at my dressings. In my research of mastectomies, I saw women after surgery and their chests were very tightly bound with dressings, so I said yes, expecting to see the same dressings they had. I had something completely different. I had two gauze strips and I could actually see the incisions on my chest. I'd informed the surgeon and team I'm allergic to steri-strips and have had issues with stitches in the past, so they used a special glue to close the incisions. The nurses said the incisions look very good. I wasn't so sure about it. To me, the left side is very concave almost as if he'd done a radical mastectomy, and on the right side it is very puckered and doesn't look good at all. Some areas are very swollen and will even out and smooth out, according to the nurses.

After this, my pain was not controlled with the PCA pump. It actually took us days to get the right combination for me to get my pain controlled. I spent three nights in the hospital. Every member of the staff at the Huntsman was very good to me and my family. I had a gorgeous view of the city from my room.

During my stay I had visits from three friends I went to Highland High School with. Lynn Kilpatrick, Penny Tippets Coleman, and Mike Taylor. It brings tears to my eyes now, tears of love and thankfulness. It amazes me friendships we started 25 years ago are still strong. I had a beautiful view of Salt Lake City from my room.

I was discharged in time to be home for Christmas. My entire family came to our house on Christmas and it was AMAZING. I am so blessed to have a supportive and loving family. I was so excited to watch the Packers play the Bears, but I couldn't stay awake. Conor kept waking me up to make sure I was okay, but I think he also wanted someone to watch the game with him.  He'd gotten me an Aaron Rodgers jersey for Christmas and I was to tired to stay awake for the game.

I had to go back to the Hunstman on December 28th to have the drain tubes removed. It hurt having them taken out, but it's great to have them out. I always had to drain them myself because Michael didn't have the stomach for it.  I threw up a few times at the hospital and even since we've been home I've thrown up a few times. When we got home from the trip to Utah on the 28th, I was a little tired and my depth perception was off, and I fell down our stairs to the basement, not once, but twice. I have to have help going up and down the stair down. And, Michael has to help me in and out of bed.

 I go back to see Dr. N next week to find out the path reports and have him take a look at the incisions. Next week I also need to contact the Portneuf Cancer Center and let them know the surgery has been done, so they can get me onto the schedule to start radiation, probably in 2 weeks or a little longer.

So, on this final day of 2011, I want to talk about resolutions. It is my MAIN New Year's Resolution to be CANCER FREE in 2012! I still have to undergo radiation, a hysterectomy, and reconstruction. After that it's my goal to regain better health, mentally and physically. I want to start slow, with walking, then move to running (5k with Pam and anyone else who wants to join us). I can't wait to start hiking up City Creek and doing yoga again. Enjoying the outdoors again.

 I will enjoy more time with my family and friends. I'll become a grandmother in 2012. Conor and Bonnie are expecting in June. A new little life for our family will be good. I will become a better cook and eat a more wholesome diet. I've received several cancer-fighting cookbooks and I fully intend to use them.  Fighting cancer is a full-time job in itself but I want to go back to my favorite full-time job - public health.

Happy New Year's to all of you! I feel like this coming year is going to be better for me and it's my hope it will be GREAT for all of us.  Remain positive.  Be Happy. Be Joyful.

Chemo #5 difficulties

On October 4, 2011, I had my fifth chemotherapy treatment.  It was my first round with Taxol.  I was given the usual pre-chemo cocktail of Emend, Dexamethazone, Zofran, and Ativan.  This time I also received Benadryl and Pepcid to counteract allergic reactions that can happen with Taxol.  The reactions occur not from the Taxol itself, but the liquid the Taxol is suspended in.  I didn't have any reactions - but I did get very looped and groggy from the Benadryl, Zofran, and Ativan combination.  I had several wonderful visitors and finally told Jennifer and Sarah that I needed to drift off in sleep for a while.  We were there a total of six hours!  

I went back 24 hours later and received my Neulasta shot.  Yes, the $12,387 shot.  Fatigue had already set in. Nausea, not so much!  Thank goodness.  I went to an accupuncturist on Thursday to counteract some of the side effects.  My chief complaints were muscle and bone pain.  It was relaxing.  But, that evening, the bone and muscle pain were excruciating.  I was up most of the evening.  I called the cancer center on Friday morning and the oncologist wrote a prescription for a stronger pain med.  Barely able to walk, a friend picked up the script and delivered it to the house.  THANK YOU.  It takes the edge off, but barely.  It honestly feels like my bones are breaking.  My pelvic bones, my femur, tibia, and ankle bones.  I also have severe abdominal pains.  These are all listed as side effects for Taxol and Neulasta.  

Other side effects I'm having are extreme hot flashes and thrush, again.  I would classify the hot flashes more as a volcanic eruption.  My scalp gets SO HOT.  Beads of sweat drip off my head.  I have them during the day and night.  I'm fairly sure I'll have to replace our pillows once I'm done with treatment because they get soaked at night.  And then, freezing cold.  Not much sleeping of late.  

Still struggling, I called the oncologist on-call Saturday and explained the pain I'm experiencing.  He asked my age.  When I told him, he said it's likely my bone marrow is really mounting a strong fight to develop new blood cells and that is what is causing the pain.  He suggested I also take Ibuprofen with the narcotic medication.  

Conor and Olivia have been great.  Conor has made countless trips to the grocery store for me.  Others check on me daily knowing this round has been the hardest of all.  It makes me wonder what the next round will be like.