Four Days After 1st Chemo

It is Saturday night.  A storm is blowing through the area.  I love a good storm.  Wind whipping through the trees and lightning and thunder making their presence known.  Of late, our Jack Russell Terrier has taken to barking at thunder.  Most dogs cower at the sound, and Gidget with her little-dog Napoleon complex, barks like crazy as if she can hush the great noise from the sky.  It is hilarious.  

While thinking of storms, I wonder if there is something akin to a storm taking place in my body?  I am extremely fatigued and nauseated.  Those are the signs and symptoms that chemotherapy is doing its job.  I'm very grateful for Zofran and Compazine to keep nausea in check.  I have been close to vomiting, but fortunately it hasn't happened yet.  My appetite is a little to be desired, but I am making sure to eat small meals to keep my strength up.

Last night I went to my 25 year class reunion.  It was an 80's reunion for Pocatello and Highland High School. I did not wear a hat to cover my baldness.  First, it was simply too hot to wear a hat; and second, I am having more frequent hot flashes - so I went sans hat.  Everyone was incredibly supportive and said I rocked the bald look.  I caught a glimpse of myself in a reflection as we walked in and it still takes my breath away to see my hair is gone.  It was uplifting to go and see friends that I had gone to school with since I was eight years old.  Very good for my spirits.  Not so good for my fatigue factor.  I've slept most of the day.  

 I should also mention that I saw the surgeon yesterday.  My chest where the port was put in is still extremely sore.  I called the nurse and she had me come in.  Then, the surgeon took a look at it and said it looks like it is healing well, despite the bruising and two inch incision, but it HURTS.  I told her it hurts to walk, to talk, and to move.  She asked about pain meds I'm taking.  I told her I've been taking Ibuprofen 800.  She thought I had something stronger.  And scolded me for not having called sooner.  I was so groggy when I got out of surgery I misunderstood and thought all I needed was Ibuprofen.  Now I have something much stronger than Ibuprofen.  Thank goodness. 

I'm still listening to visualization tapes and guided imagery.  I visualize the chemotherapy drugs killing off each little cancer cell.  One tape I listen to says they will burn, blister, and shrivel after being subjected to chemotherapy.  That's good!  Zap, burn, and die, to all the little evil cells.  

Back to sleep.  

Port Placement & Chemo Kickoff

I had surgery to have the port placed below my clavicle yesterday.  There is a round plastic and metal object and a line that goes directly into my subclavian artery.

First off, while talking to the nurse in pre-op we realized her cousin went to Iraq with Michael on his second tour of duty!  What a small world.  His name is Ira and he is an AWESOME guy.  She was GREAT as well.  Small world.  The Lord put her in the room with me, I'm sure.

For some reason I thought I was just going to get a local and I would be awake during the procedure and that it would only take 15 minutes.  I misunderstood.  They heavily sedated me with Versed and Propofal and it took an hour.  Conor was my chauffeur to the hospital and was there to hold my hand.  (Olivia started marching band practice yesterday!!!)  It was, and is, very painful.  I bled through the dressings so I had to change them last night.  I can barely lift my arm.  I cannot see how they will be able to use it to give me chemotherapy today.  It HURTS terribly.  I know they have a numbing cream.  Maybe that will be the trick.

The other stressor is the surgeon said she saw pockets of pus in the area where she put the port.  I was very groggy so I cannot remember anything other than she said she is concerned about infection.  I'm wondering how/why in the world I have pus in that area?  The area seemed perfectly fine to me.  They also gave me a packet of information about the port.  It's called a "PowerPort."  I now have a bracelet to go with my LiveSTRONG and breast cancer awareness bracelets.  Medical providers need to know what brand it is.

I also had a reaction to the pain meds - ITCHING!!!  Typically I take Benadryl to make the itching stop but they wanted me to take it after I got home because I had so many other meds in my system.  So, Conor held my hand and kept me from itching.  He's 19 and works part-time so I don't see him often.  It was so good to spend time with him.

We left the hospital around 3 p.m. and went home quickly and went to a birthday party for a five year old.  Both children were going and I didn't want to be alone - and I ADORE he little boy.  His name is Aiden.  He's the one that let me wear his superhero cape when I had my head shaved.  In fact, I was emotional last night and started crying telling his parents that I love Aiden so much.  He brings great joy to my life.  I relaxed and just took in the energy of all the beautiful children at the party.

Olivia and I watched True Grit when we got home.  I want to win this battle with my own sheet determination and grit.  It was good.  I nodded off a few ties, but LOVED it.

I am trying to think of a way to visualize the chemo drugs killing the cancer.  I wish I had something profound and beautiful I visualize, but I think of Pac Man chomping away at them.  Wocka, wocka, wocka!  Funny, huh?!

So, now it's time to drink some hot tea and pack my bag for the Cancer Center.  Treatment #1 coming in a few hours.  My Sissy, Conor, and Olivia are going with me.  One hour of education and then 1.5-2 hours of chemo. I'm ready to get started and allow the medicine to kill the cancer cells in my body!

Appt with Surgeon

I met with the surgeon today to get my stitches out and have her check the lump I'm concerned about.  She walked in and said "stop looking for lumps, let's just get the port placed in your chest on Monday and get you started on chemo on Tuesday."  I said, "I can't help but worry about new lumps," and she said me she wasn't dismissing my concern, we just need to get chemo started.  She assured me that the sensitivity and issues in my arm are completely normal.  To keep moving it and working it to get mobility back.  The last thing she said was, "no cold, no infection before Monday," and I said "and no new lumps."  She laughed.  I really like her.

Oh, the stitches....the sutures in my axillary incision were removed as I gritted my teeth and imagined chemo would be tougher.  The sutures about an two inches below, where she did the lumpectomy, are still in place.  The WONDERFUL nurse said the knots were too deep to get a good grip on them.  She tried and OUCH. So, they will take them out during my surgery on Monday.  I'm good with that.  A little Versed and Phenergren to ease the pain first and zip them right out!  

I'm a little freaked out about the port placement.  I'm glad to have that term "placement" in my vocabulary now related to the port.  I kept thinking of it being installed or inserted and felt more like a piece of machinery.  Placement sounds better.  The surgeon gave me a better idea of what will happen.  She will place a "portacath" into my subclavian artery just below my clavicle, or collar bone.  She said if she has a hard time placing it in the subclavian she might have to make an incision in my neck to get to my jugular vein.  All of my anatomy and physiology classes are paying off!  I'm so thankful to have a degree in health education and public health!  So, my son, Conor thinks the portacath sounds like Robert Downey Jr.'s character in Iron Man.  He had that white glowing "port" in his chest that made him so strong.  Conor said I need to get the DNA of Chuck Norris, Samuel L. Jackson, and Morgan Freeman to kick cancer's butt.  I loved that, but I'm thinking about DNA from strong women, like Martina Navratilova (athletic, BC survivor), Sheryl Crow (I wish I could sing, BC survivor), and Cokie Roberts (news anchor, BC survivor).  Strong and smart women.  I also thought about Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, and Mrs. Incredible.  Superhero women.  Real women are the better role models, but I loved the Bionic Woman when I was little!

Now, it's time to meditate, and try to quiet my mind...