Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Journey Continues...

Yes, it has been years since I sat down and wrote on this blog. But, I've decided it's time to get back on and express a few thoughts here and there. The biggest realization is that being a cancer survivor is wonderful! I cherish EVERY day. It was at this time four years ago (June 17) that I was diagnosed with cancer. By this time I'd had the initial surgery where the doctor could visually tell it was cancer she removed from my breast. I'd also had the axilliary node dissection that found three cancerous lymph nodes. I started chemotherapy on August 2nd. So, the summer time will forever remind me of the benchmarks I made in 2011 as I began this journey.

Now, four years later, I have to say that it's not easy being a survivor. The fight will never be over. I tried to believe that I was "done" and I could move on with my life. In reality, I think of cancer every day. Life before cancer. Life during treatment. And now, life after treatment has concluded, but cancer is still lurking in the background. I see my scars every day - a very blunt reminder that I had to have both breasts removed to save my life. I still hate to look in a mirror...I guess I'll attempt to work through that now that I've realized my cancer journey is not over.

And, right now I'm back to where I was four years ago. I am undergoing tests to determine if the cancer has returned in my sternum. That would mean I have metastatic breast cancer. Stage IV. A terrifying thought.

On July 12th I went for a lovely walk/hike in my neighborhood (I now live in Boise, Idaho, I'll go into that at a later time) and I was so grateful for my life. I looked at the world through a beautiful lens happy to take in the morning fresh air, hearing quail in the distance and hoping to see a little covey of quail toddling across my path, and hiking to Castle Rock. Upon returning home I stretched and started to putter around the house. Suddenly I began to have chest pains. The kind of chest pain that scares you and makes you wonder if you're having the dreaded heart attack that strikes many women. After about 15 minutes I decided it was serious enough that it warranted a trip to one of the local hospitals. Numerous tests and hours later I was in a taxi on my home. No heart attack or blood clot was found. The reason for my chest pain was determined to be costochondritis. It's inflammation in the chest and the best definition I was given is that it's like arthritis in between the sternum and ribs between the cartilage. It is painful. Sharp and stabbing pain.

As I Googled and researched it that evening, unable to sleep because of the pain, I came across several articles about women that had a "costo" diagnosis and breast cancer. Their chest wall was radiated during treatment, just like mine, and then had costo start during their treatment, or years later. This appeared to be the case. Ok, I can handle this. Then, I saw a forum where several women were diagnosed with costochondritis mistakenly. Their cancer had returned in their sternum. Metastatic breast cancer. My pulse quickened. Could this be me as well?

I asked this very question hours later of my new cancer physician. A petite woman who I've come to know in the past 12 months. I had a scare last year and had to have a biopsy. Negative. Now, I explained what happened and the costo diagnosis and my subsequent research. I asked if we should look into this further. She immediately said, "yes, and I'll order a CT scan and a bone scan." Then she looked at my chest and checked for lumps and enlarged lymph nodes, and as she did so she asked me about a red rashy spot on the right side of my chest. I told her it had started itching while I was at the hospital. I was on so many pain meds the nurses had explained it was a side effect from the meds. I thought they were probably right and continued to scratch like crazy. Well, Dr. H said, "Denise, I think that looks like shingles. We need to get a swab of that." I was so shocked! Shingles was one of the furthest things from my mind. But, she was right. The next day I got a call from her nurse and she said the swab tested positive. Anyone that has had chicken pox can later have a flare up of shingles. So, we hypothesized that perhaps the intense chest pain was from shingles and/or costo? I could only hope it was one or both of these combined - and not cancer. Anything but cancer.

Now, a week later, I have the CT and bone scan results. The CT didn't reveal anything. The bone scan did. A small/tiny area on my sternum showed tracer activity. The radiology report was posted on my personalized medical file two days ago. It was one thing to hear Dr. H tell me the news, but to read through it made me fearful. "A small metastatic ossesous lesion or insufficiency fracture occult on CT are not entirely excluded." If symptoms continue follow-up with MRI. Yes, it said small, but all I see is metastatic. Osseous means bone. Cancer in the bone. Dread and fear wrap their arms around me and squeeze.

I try to calm myself. I know positive energy is just as powerful as prayer. Both were important to me as I went through this four years ago. And with each subsequent scare. But this one really has me rattled. I have very good intuition. I knew it was cancer 4 years ago. I had to argue with the surgeon to do the surgery. She and the radiologist thought it was only a cyst. If I had not insisted upon the surgery I would not be here writing on my blog today. Of that I'm certain. So, I can't help but be scared. I have pain in my chest. Significant pain. I have a history of a the most aggressive form of breast cancer. Triple negative breast cancer. And now, a spot on a bone scan with tracer activity on my sternum. In my logic, you put the two together and the result could be a recurrence. The devil's advocate says it could be inflammation from shingles or costochondritis. Actually, it's probably the angelic advocate that's saying it's one or both of those and the devil's advocate hoping for cancer.

I'll have an MRI tomorrow. One day seems like a month when you're waiting to find out if you have cancer again. It's a terrible torture. I do keep myself distracted by cleaning, shopping, and yesterday I had a highly productive day at work. It was fantastic. And, when my thoughts turned to "what if?" I would remind myself about that power of positive thinking and to live in the moment. As I left my office, my internal dialogue was "live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the....what if it's cancer again?" And so...the journey continues.