Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Results and Realizations on July 4th

Let me start where this blog ends. I've been writing this latest blog entry as people are out celebrating Independence Day. It has taken me a few hours to put my thoughts down...hopefully I did a decent job trying to convey those thoughts...

I began this day taking my daughter to participate in the July 4th parade. I later went to a park to watch the parade. I didn't get a single glimpse of my daughter along the parade route (so many people!) but I am so proud of her. She handed out candy and water to spectators and has the blisters to show for it. I thought of my first grandson, Donnie, who was just born last week. My son was here for 10 days to surprise his wife and be here when his son was born! It was such a wonderful week. And at the end of last week I got my results.

I called last Friday to let them know I was anxious (an understatement) to get the results. The receptionist said they were going to call me to schedule an appointment. I immediately thought it was bad news. I explained how crazy my week had been and that I needed to know THEN what the results were. She scheduled me for a few hours later (thank you). I was prepared for bad news again. It wasn't! 

The oncologist had heard how anxious I was and came to get me, Michael, and Jennifer (I was so worried I took my major support system with me) from the waiting room. Before we even got out of the waiting room he told me it was good news! Once behind the closed door of the exam room he told me no cancer was detected when the PET scan was done. I felt such a wave of relief. I have received so much bad news on the cancer war that I expected it again. Finally, good news! He cautioned that occasionally the PET scan can miss something. He encouraged me to keep track of the mass on my rib. That won't be hard... it is quite painful. We discussed it further, and I will go back in four weeks. I can call at any time if I have fears that the area is still growing larger. I am now moving forward with the thought that I'm cancer free and in remission. 

Lately, I have done serious soul searching about the past year - and the future. It's not easy to find the right words to explain what I'm trying to convey. Our family has been through so many challenges, I took my triple-negative breast cancer diagnosis as just another blow, and instinctively I knew I had to persevere and fight. Let me try to explain myself a little better.

In the beginning of June I met with a breast cancer survivor who has been encouraging me from afar during the past year. She is the friend of a dear friend. I finally had a chance to spend time with her and she was so knowledgeable and helpful to me! She received her diagnosis four years ago and is incredibly insightful. She put words to many thoughts in the back of my mind...WAY back in my mind...in the chemo fog. As the fog is slowly lifting I am processing what has happened in the last year.

I believe I was so stressed out after my diagnosis I went into somewhat of a self-preservation mode and charged through it with a brave face and "I can do it attitude," and I didn't process what was really going on. Yes, I researched every little piece of information about TNBC, BRCA2 genetic mutations, chemotherapy side effects, radiation, diet, and made educated decisions about my treatment and surgeries, but I distanced my own emotions in order to get through everything. I used one part of my brain for important decisions and set another side silently upon a shelf. It may sound strange to people who know me well. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak, and often blurt out to anyone listening what is going on in my life. This is no surprise to my friends and family. However, I have now come to some pretty big realizations about how I got through the last year and I have decided to rescue the other part of my brain and myself.

I'm no longer in crisis mode. I'm recovering and in remission. And yet, when I found myself soul searching, I was not truly happy with my life. I was moving through each day in a mechanical manner. Going to back to work and resuming activities I hadn't participated in for a long time. I forced myself to leave the house and venture out a little more. I had been emotionally and physically  hibernating. Then, I crawled out of the fog, just a little at a time. I found myself laying in the warm sunshine at a community concert. I walked along a beautiful and sparkling lake with our typical 15mph southeastern Idaho wind right along with me. I went back to church. I was overjoyed listening to the pastor and Praise Team once again. I was awakening and beginning to touch upon ways in which my world had changed while I went through chemotherapy, radiation, and six surgeries. 

During this time, there were other occasions where I sat back and took a deep breath and thought about my life -  and asked myself what I needed to do in order to be happier? Life changing thoughts took place. Some hard decisions were made versus difficult choices. I made a few choices in order to set myself on a new "marathon" course.

I've had several more realizations as I've struggled to write down my thoughts this evening. I have used the word "I" so much I'm reminiscing about Stuart Smalley in the Saturday Night Live skit where he famously said, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me." 

It has made me uncomfortable to share how detached I was. But, I wanted to share in case there are other cancer marathoners out there following my blog. You can learn through my observations. Being scheduled to get results isn't always a bad thing and you can get through the journey in ways you didn't know were possible. 

I thought I was doing so well battling cancer. I had the most fantastic support system anyone could wish for. I was in awe of their support for me and thought I was brave as I went through the year without shedding many tears. But I wasn't really supporting me. Now...I am. Now...is when the bravery begins. Living life now. On this Independence Day. After cancer. 

I can hear the fireworks now. And I am son grateful for this day.